Saving My Skin!

Disclaimer: This account is in no way meant to offend any race.


Baggaged back to India from England in accordance with my dad's decision to retreat to the homeland, me, my thick british accent, and culturally ignorant self found ourselves in Calcutta. I call myself ignorant coz I was just 7 and pretty much believed everyone was british, white, and had british accents, and I similarly was british, brown coz i played in the mud, and had a british accent. One day early in our return to India, Miku wanted to start our new lives on a good note by paying a visit to the Kali Temple close to Dum Dum Airport. The Temple was next to a neverending field, and while my parents went in to the temple to pray I was set loose in the field much like a little dog. However, when a master sets his dog loose he hopes that the doggie doesnt poop all over the place and thats exactly what this doggie did. The story of the biggest shit I ever took is what follows.

Wandering around the field I came upon this gentleman dressed in white, with a little white cloth on his head bending over in a posture very similar to a somersault attempt. I watched him for a while. He bent over on his knees, hands forward, and touched his head to the ground, and then at the last minute as if he was scared to somersault, just held the position, and then gave up and came back up. He then, took a deep breadth, looked left, and right, as of to see if anyone was watching his failed somersault attempt and repeated the motion failing yet again. I couldnt take it anymore. I remembered my first somersault and how tough it was, and being the sweet child that I was I decided to help him out. I first went right up next to him, kinda got ready the same way he did and then rolled over on my head and looked back at him to see if he had gained any confidence. But, he dint even look at me, maybe he was shy of being a grown up who couldnt do a simple stunt. I gathered that the shy man needed more help, so I took matters into my own hand. I stood up, went right behind him and when he bent over, I pushed him to help him make him the happiest somersaulter ever. Everything that ensued is a blur due to the intense screaming. But in short, the dude, kinda fell on his side when I pushed him, way short of a somersault, started screaming at the top of his lungs till their were several (hundreds) of people dressed in the same attire surrounding me and screaming in some foreign language. They definitely dint sound british.

Miku and Dada, amidst the screams must have realized I had taken a dump in the middle of the field. They came to my rescue. The Muslium dude, who was in the middle of his Namaaz shouted at them as he explained how I had defiled their religion. At this point I was rather shocked why I wasnt being handed out candy for being so helpful with my stunt tutoring. All explanations my parent handed out to the white clad army seemed to be ineffective in subsiding the shrieking. Then miku, the lady of the day, came up with the answer. She said "Maaf kar deejiye, beta, mand hai!," translation: "Forgive us, for the child is retarded." The crowd quietened down a bit but dint seem to buy the argument, so my mom urged them to talk to me to figure it out for themselves. So one guy said something to me that i dint understand so I started wailing in my british accent " Mommy what are they saying? i was taking me walk and I helped the lad take a sault and he screamed at me face!" The moment I finished talking the crowd started nodding, as if something I said convinced them that I was really retarded. Some of them even patted me on the head?!

So that's how my own mommy saved me calling me retarted, if she hadnt what would have become of me is beyond my imagination! I was telling this story to a friend a coupla days ago, and she said I should be grateful coz my mom saved my skin. It hit me that yes, my mom literally SAVED MY SKIN that day!!! (Get it??????)