The Threshold of Coolidity

I think I hate my wife! Its 1 o'clock on Saturday nite and I am so fucking pissed off at my wife. While I sit here blogging, she is fucking some other guy! I kid you the fuck not! I know, that my wife, is having sex with someone else as we speak (or so to write). For those of you who don't  read English (though I dont know what the fuck you are doing on my blog if you can't), the hindi translation is Meri biwi chud rahi hain!
Okay, so I know you're thinking the right thing to do, as usual, is for me to talk it out with her, tell her about my feelings, blah blah blah, but there are a couple of problems. One, I hate sitting down and talking really serious and uncomfy things out, until they hit critical mass. But again, this one has, so I guess that brings us to problem two! I would call her to yell my brains out, but I kinda dont know her phone number. And, yeah I'd meet her and yell at her face, but I kinda havent met her yet!
I guess I just pole vaulted myself up the crazy ladder there! But, everything I have said is true. This is not the ranting of a mad man, and I do have a point here. So fine, I am not married, and ok, I don't have a wife, but I intend to someday, and I intend to have only one wife, so I believe it is fair for me to refer to her as MY WIFE. Now, knowing my track record, and taste in women, I know that my wife is gonna be smokin' hot, and smokin' smart! And everyone knows that smokin hot, and smokin smart girls get laid all the time, don't they? Which brings me back to my point, my wife is fucking some other man right now!
Why is she doing this to me? Why, why, why? Now, let me tell you why I am so angry at this. From vast, i mean, past experience, I know almost exactly how this thing is gonna go ...

PHASE I:
I am gonna meet my wife, hopefully sometime soon. We're gonna have an awesome first date, and she's gonna be sooo happy, tra la la la la, telling her friends, it was amazing, we have so much in common, and we bonded so well, and he was so romantic, and he made me laugh ... havta stop there, I dont have sex on the first date, and tell, so cant tell you about that part. We're gonna go out on dates almost everyday, have the most awesome time spending time with each other, and she's gonna be all happy, tra la la la la, telling her friends, this is going so well, we have so much fun when we are with each other, and I think, oh god, this is so good, and my girl is so happy, nothing can go wrong.
PHASE I Complete

PHASE II: 
A week goes by, and she's gonna be telling her friends, he's soo stupid, we go out all the time, it so amazing, but he loves calling it dating, why the hell doesnt he call me his girlfriend? what the fuck is wrong with him? boo hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo. And so, I'm gonna resist for a bit, then figure out, well I guess she really is my girlfriend and I like that, so one day I'll give in and say one morning, mmmm nothing like waking up next to my girlfriend ... and she's gonna be sooo happy, tra la la la, la la la la. I again think everything is perfect, nothing could go wrong coz my girl is happy.
PHASE II Complete

PHASE III: 
A couple of months go by and she's the happiest girl ever, and then she's sniffling as she tells her friends, my boyfriend is so stupid, we've been dating for months, its soo amazing, but he hasnt said that he loves me, why the hell doesnt he say it? what the fuck is wrong with him? And again, I'll resist it for a while, but then realize, damn, I really love this girl and I like that, so I'll give in and say one morning, mmmm nothing like waking up next to the girl I love ... AND she's gonna be sooo happy, tra la la la, la la la la.
PHASE III Complete

PHASE IV: 
And so another couple of months go by, she's the happiest girl in the world and I think nothing can go wrong, this is so perfect, and then she's crying and telling her friends, this guy who loves me, he's so stupid, we're so in love and I spend all my time at his place, and he hasnt asked me to move in, I think he's using me, why hasnt he asked me to move in with him, what the fuck is wrong with him? And again, I resist for a couple of days, and then think, well she kinda lives here, and its so nice when she's around, and I'm gonna give in and say one morning, mmmm nothing like waking up next to the girl I love every day, AND she's gonna be sooo happy, tra la la, la la la la.
PHASE IV Complete

PHASE V: 
Another couple of months go by, and she's the happiest girl in the world, and I think things are so perfect, nothing can go wrong, and then she's howling and telling her friends, This guy I live with is so stupid, we've been living together for months, I take care of him all the time, waaaaah, waaaaah, and he hasnt asked me to marry him yet, waaaaah, why is he doing this to me, why doesnt he want to marry me, what the fuck is wrong with him? And I'm gonna resist one last time, and finally realize, well, I guess this is it, this is the girl I'm gonna call my wife, so I'm gonna give in and say one morning (well, this one will probably not be in the morning, but just for the sake of continuity), mmmmm nothing like waking up next to the girl I love every day for the rest of my life. AND, she is gonna be sooooo happy that she is gonna be in tears, and she's gonna show that fucking ring to all her friends, and cry even more, and she's gonna cry before the wedding, on the wedding day, and after the wedding ...........
PHASE V Complete

 
Which brings me back again to my point ... If this girl is gonna love me sooooo much that she is gonna cry for me, want me to be her boyfriend, and will cry until i accept it, love me so much that she wants me to love her, and will cry until I say it, love me so much, that she wants to live with me, and will cry until it happens, and love me so much that she will want to marry me, and will cry until I ask her, then WHY the fuck is she cheating on me? Why cant she just sit her smoking hot ass back at home, keep her smoking hot legs together, and fucking blog, the way NORMAL single people do?

Caught the flick Pirates of the Caribbean, Dead Man’s Chest, a coupla weeks ago. One of the biggest new introductions into the plot, was Davy Jones, who sails the seas in his ominous ship “The Flying Dutchman”*, inhabited by half-human, sea creature sailors/slaves. The name, Davy Jones, more popularly a part of the phrase Davy Jones Locker, has been used since the days of sailing and pirates, to represent the sea, maybe, a devil (deva, taffy, duffy) in the sea, a sailor overboard, pretty much the name for the unexplainable at sea. In the movie, he is an ex-overboard sailor, who once loved an untamable woman, and on failing, cut his heart out and put it in a chest, so that he could never feel again!

So back to the flow, Davy Jones (lets not judge him for who he is), sails the seas *², has a mean crew, and has found a way of giving his oceanic “blessings” to the others at sea, as debts, and has devised a method that works for him in giving, having repayed, and punishing for lack of repayal, of these debts. (Again let’s not judge him for his devised way of life coz it works for him). Coming to the most important point, he has several means of trying to get through, and deal with the others, but when all else fails he resorts to his last and meanest weapon, Unleashing the Kraken! *³ The Kraken is a huge, legendary, sea monster that is assigned the cause of Davy Jones’ wrath as its target, usually the ship of the chosen one, and sinks it till it destroys the ship and the person! Now, remember, Davy does not unleash the Kraken every now and then, but reserves it till all else fails and his method of peace comes crashing down, and he is forced to use this weapon! As we see in the movie, when Davy decides to Unleash the Kraken becoz of his accumulated rage, a number of his sailors use great effort to open the hatch to release this monster, proving a huge decision on Davy’s part. When the chosen one is taught a lesson (destroyed) Davy gets intense satisfaction, yes he does, yes he does, though he knows that they got a little more than they deserved. However, this method has drawbacks for Davy. Being a powerful man at sea, there are several little fish who try to get back, show disapproval to Davy all the time. Davy notes these, but has hardly reached the point of unleashing the Kraken on them. However, between unleashing the Kraken and the Kraken reaching the target, if any of the other minor offenders instigate Davy, hell breaks loose! Given that he is already pissed off, and the Kraken is unleashed, Davy might just use the Kraken to completely destroy some one who dint deserve the wrath of the Kraken at all! And when the Kraken is done, and all is calm, Davy feels horrible for what happened, yes he does, yes he does! Sometimes the Kraken’s destroying the non-deserving candidate even lessens the wrath on the initial candidate which is just not fair, and Davy knows it and feels even more terrible, yes he does, yes he does! But it’s a part of life, it’s a part of a working scheme Davy Jones has devised. So please don’t judge him too harsh for what he has done coz if he knew how to apologize he would, yes he would, yes he would.

Back to the movie, I simply loved two things about it.

One, the amazingly funny script which actually takes your mind off the details, that seem illogical. Example, when the cannibals, coupla feet behind Jack don’t follow him on to the Pearl or throw spears at it, makes you wonder “What?” But, the next minute you see them chase the dog, and forget the lack of logic, while bursting into hysteric laughter.

Secondly, the metaphor of the compass pointing at what you want most, to me, was excellent. Showing, how after leaving Bloomy on the evil ship, and needing to get to the dead man’s chest in particular and any land in general, Jack doesn’t know what he wants most, so he hands the compass to Kiera, whom he convinces to “want the chest” to save Bloomy! Finally when he tries to run away from the Pearl, sees Kiera disappointed, and checks his compass, he sees that “he wants to get back to the Pearl” the most, as the compass points to it.

A complaint I have about the movie, is it being a 3 hour awesome preview for a sequel a year away. The level of lack of closure was definitely not fair to viewers who dint expect it. Finally, I hope the makers are careful with their explanation of Barbosa coming back from the dead, coz if everyone can “not die” it takes away from the excitement of near-death events, and I also hope there is no corny love triangle, and that Jack, Kiera, and Bloomy remain Pirates!

* "The flying Dutchman" sounds like an awesome ship to be on coz I am sure it is full of "Sea Weed" that explains the Duch and the flying part in the name.

* ² The words "Davy Jones, he sails the seas" was put into one of our Songs "Ten Second Rule" by Alap way before this movie made the name popular

* ³ I wudave spelt the word Kraken as Cragon if it werent for the omniscient Wikipedia.

I am sure almost everybody has noticed a little green moving light that blinks when you are standing outside at night. No! Fox Mulder, they are not little aliens, they are fireflies, or in hindi, Jugnus. Now, the firefly is a bioluminescent being; organisms that produce light. Well, sometimes I thought they lit a light like a torch to find their way, or they were trying to trap their pray or maybe scare them away. Neither of these are true though! Consistent with my favorite topic: fireflies light up to get laid! Okay, not exactly, to get laid, but to attract their male or female counterparts to have sex and propagate their species and all! Both, females and males have this ability, and the sequence of flashing often identifies the sub-species they belong to. Once in a while, a female of a specific species might fake its signals, to lure a male of a different species to eliminate him. Stupid horny male!

Anyways, coming to the topic that makes me wonder. Guys, (and I really hope this is not news to any girl who reads this), when with friends, check out women, and get extremely excited about hot women with large breasts. Even if their own preference is small, medium, whatever, the spotting of lovely large breasts is always followed by "Man, they are so big, ooooooh, I think I am gonna die!" (hindi translation: Kitna bade bade hain, mar jaooonga main!" Now I wonder if this kind of checking out exists among the other animals. I wonder if a bunch of male jugnus, hover around trees at nite, waiting for the female jugni with the brightest light to fly by, and say to each other, "Oooooh, god she is just so bright, it drives me insane!" or "Woh jab batti jalati hai, so main pagal ho jata hoon"   Maybe the females say to each other "I wish I had a light as bright as her, all the boys would just love me then" or "my boyfriend Jugnu, just loves me coz of my huge lights and doesnt even care who I really am inside!" hahahahahha That would be hilarious! Or maybe I have it all wrong, may be the animal kingdom has role reversals. We know that the Peacock is the one with the ornamental colors, the lion, the one with the mane, so maybe the other animals, have the females, lusting after the men, and the men are tired of being objects of obsession and lust, and just want someone to love them and talk to them. hahhahahahhahaha!

Anyways, if this is the case, and the rest of the animals actually have women lusting over men, I think in humans, we guys, have made up for the rest of the animal kingdom with the amount of lusting we have done over women. I am so thrilled to be a guy!

Goodnite and Boo-bye!

Claimer:  This piece is dedicated to the lovely lady who made me wonder, Ayesha Takia! Point-to note: When a hottie's t-shirt struggles to make it back to her stomach (doest make it back and hangs loose mid-air(Fig 1)). THAT IS SEXY!  and the last name: Takia (pillow in hindi) just makes it so much hotter!

I don't really like sequels. The only ones that I felt were better than their original counterparts were Hot Shots Part Deux, Terminator 2, and yeah sure Spiderman II, coz the villain's jaw actually moves in this one.  The first movie with spiderman underneath his mask and the Green Goblin with a fixed mask looks more like a Chinese movie with English voice overs! But back to the point, I guess sequels sometimes arent meant to entertain the audience, and simply reveal that the creator doesnt have closure on his first creation!

So, I am back to fighting about whats Ironic! As I pointed out I am not the only one to feel this way about Alanis' song Ironic! While browsing bloggish sites, I came across this one which kinda tore her song down too harsher than I did and there was a comment that stated:

"Hi, I'm an English teacher. I hate to tell you, but you are all sadly "unenlightened." There are 3 different types of irony. Here are some definitions for you:
Situational Irony: This occurs when there is a discrepancy between the actual circumstances and those that would seem appropriate, or between what one anticipates and what actually comes to pass (The song is full of situational irony)
Verbal irony: The discrepancy between what is said and what is meant. Sarcasm is a form of verbal irony. It is exhibited when Mr. Play It Safe thinks "Well, isn't this nice?" He actually means the exact opposite. Now, don't you feel stupid? Maybe Alanis is smart after all.

Now, I know that this comment was not made out to me though I am gonna address it. But I love it when someone pulls out an "Oxford dictionary" definition to prove their point. Worst way to begin a debate, worst way to end it, unless you are in the 1st grade. And yeah bless the souls of the kids who learn English from this teacher! 

To elucidate why I am being mean, the comment has exactly the same weakness as the song! Sometimes it takes more than a line to reveal Irony which is why Alanis toppled, sometimes it takes more than a line to explain the meaning of a word or expression such as "situational irony!" topple goes the English Teacher!

Lets say I anticipated I would be working today at 12:00, and come 12:00 I really havta take a shit! This discrepancy in what I anticipated and what comes to "pass" (haha) does not make my shitting/passing IRONIC! 

If I am waiting for a taxi, anticipating availability, and there is none, this is NOT situational irony!

Situational Irony requires much more of a playback in events, thought, etc to be established!

This is how I look at irony!

Case I: Lets consider Julius Caeser being stabbed:

Julius Caeser did not expect to get stabbed, and he did get stabbed! Is that Ironic! Fuck no!

Julius Caeser did not expect to get stabbed and he went to the senate that day just to meet Brutus, who stabbed him! Ironic? Borderline Ironic!

Julius Caeser was warned of the ides of March, knew he was in danger, dint know whether he should go to the senate that day , but thought, nothing can happen to me, my friend Brutus is there! and  Brutus stabbed him!  YES, IRONIC!

Case II: Very hindi movie setting, a business man who takes bribes and hides money from the IRS is busted

The lala has black money, doest expect to get busted and gets busted. Ironic? NAHIN!

The lala started taking bribes, evading taxes so that his son could be a rich man, and avoid all the hardships he went through as a child, but the son becomes a police affsar, and busts him! Ironic? BAHUT IRONIC!

Okay, now I have closure, I can go to sleep in peace. 'Thank you', Alanis, coz you oughta know!

What the hell is Ironic? Is it Ironic that we are discussing the meaning of Ironic? No! but if we were a group of people discussing the meaning of Ironic and none of us knew what it meant, I guess that would be rather Ironic!

Lately, I passionately wonder if things that happen, are said, are thought, etc, are ironic or not. Why? Coz the word is passed around like a cheap whore, just like the “open and end quote” gesture (future blog). My first meeting with Irony was during high school English classes when we were studying Shakespeare. Shakespeare worked dramatic irony into most of his plays, often scenarios where the actor delivers a dialogue without presently knowing its impact, but the audience does and is greatly amused! I barely remember a scene where Orlando is practising courting Rosalind, on Rosalind, who is dressed as a boy, Ganymede. The audience knows that Ganymede is his love, Rosalind, but he doesn’t, making the scene ironic. Milking the irony Shakespeare makes Orlando ask her of her actions, “But will my Rosalind do so?” and she replies “By my life, she will do as I do!”

These days this word that used to pique my interest makes me furious. All credits to Alanis Morissette and her masterpiece Ironic! I guess there is a lotta controversy as always, coz fans will explain anything, and critics will tear down anything, coz we havta be unquestionably Democratic or Republic, black or white, gray is just not allowed. Here are my feelings for Alanis other than this song: “U oughta know” blew my mind away, the music, the voice, the lyrics, her other songs mostly rock, and yeah! I did not enjoy her being naked in her video for “thank you”, I felt like saying, “Thanks but no Thanks!”

Well, lets get right down to the point. The song is called Ironic, and I believe she was listing things which she believed could be Ironic. Will get to the controversy in a bit but here is the break down.

An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day

Okay, let’s start! That is very unfortunate, NOT Ironic. If the old man committed suicide the day before coz he wasn’t winning the lottery, then maybe, this way, NO, NO, NO!

It's a black fly in your Chardonnay

That is just weird, take the fly out and drink the damned Chardonnay, woman! But even though not Ironic, since Chardonnay is white, and the fly is black, and she wont drink her drink, I’ll give her half a point outa 10!

It's a death row pardon two minutes too late

Again, boo hoo, and the word for the boohoo feeling, is SAD not IRONIC!

It's like rain on your wedding day

Seriously?

It's a free ride when you've already paid

What?

It's the good advice that you just didn't take

That’s just bloody stupid. Call the song “Bloody Stupid”

Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
"Well isn't this nice..."

Mmmmm! Well, this time she spent an entire verse describing the event, as an ironic situation might require, and maybe one more line would completely bring out the irony, but cool, I give it to you, this one is Ironic, esp the sarcasm!

A traffic jam when you're already late

Here we go again! Somebody stop her! Boo hoo, waah! UN-fucking-FORTUNATE!

A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break

It doesn’t matter coz you’re on dope Alanis, and on dope anything can be anything! But sure, why not, 1 outa 10. hahaha

It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife

Not unless you normally carry ten thousand knives! Otherwise, ten thousand times Un-fucking-fortunate!

It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife

What can I say, good for the man! But the good news is “I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to geico!”, just kidding (I miss my little cousin, he just loves that joke), the good news is that’s the last line we havta dissect.

Well, I am sure all of you have different notions of ironic. Her examples to me just don’t cut it. Some fans argue that the ironic part is that there is nothing ironic in the song and then others come up with dictionary definitions of situational irony. Pretty wishful thinking in my opinion. Wikipedia even reports that she has said that that’s what the title means, its ironic coz nothing in the song is. The report awaits citation. If it’s true, nice way to save your ass Alanis. If that’s what you intended, and you yet included the lines

And isn't it ironic...dontcha think
A little too ironic...and yeah I really do think...

We should just go back to calling the song, BLOODY STUPID!

Honestly, I know tons of people have spotted this too. I kinda forgot about it. Was in Radioshack to buy a power strip, instead the salesmen managed to entice me into buying an expensive surge protector to protect my computers, distortion unit, etc from voltage fluctuations. I gave in owing to my love for these gadgets. While checking out he asked me if I wanted to add $8 for a 2 year insurance to which I immediately said no! Just outa curiosity I asked him “So what’s the insurance for?” He said “Well, the surge protector might blow in case of a voltage fluctuation!” Alanis, is that just stupid or was there some irony in the situation?