The Threshold of Coolidity

It’s a beautiful world. It’s a beautiful life. How something so beautiful can also hold such ugliness is beyond us all. Sometimes all you can do is stand up and shout “It’s not fair! Why me?” and your words will either be lost in the noise of a million people in the world screaming the same, or echoed together to reach someone who maybe hears us all!

This morning I was driving to school, and just at the point I turn left every morning I saw the metrobus picking up people. I hate to drive behind the metrobus, so in a second I decided to turn right and go the other way. I don’t know why, but a thought flashed through my head: What if? What if this one second choice determines everything from now onwards in my life? It’s easy to blow it off but you’d be amazed how many people lead lives based on something that took a second to happen. One of my friends, Anubha lies today in a rehab center, in a coma, fighting the ugliness of life with all the beauty in her soul! I don’t know the real story, but I heard an SUV came spinning and tumbling out of nowhere forcing her car into a ditch. She was pulled out of her car after cutting it open and has been in a coma ever since. I don’t know what decisions she made that day that took her to that spot at that time, all I know is that nothing she might have decided, thought, or done deserves to be punished with a random car coming out of nowhere slamming her into the darkness she lies in.

Have you ever said “Bad things happen to the best people!”? Well, add one to that list. Anubha is probably the nicest girl I have ever met. I’m not saying nice coz that’s what you say when someone gets hurt. "Nice" is a word I rarely use just becoz it gets thrown around pretty lamely these days. For me nice is a feeling of warmth you get becoz of something else, it doesn’t excite me, doesn’t make me feel like jumping for joy, just makes me feel warm, just makes me feel nice. I believe that people are needlessly complicated but the first time I met Anubha the first thing that came to my mind was: She is so uncomplicated and simple! I’m not one of her closest friends, so even though I can put my feelings when I heard the news into touching words, I won’t coz how I felt is insignificant compared to what has fallen upon her, and collapsed onto the ones closest to her. I’ve heard her say some really witty stuff in the couple of times I’ve met her. The coolest one being the first time I met her at Sparsh when Spandan was playing, she dint like the music and was sitting outside. Someone said “When will this end?” Anubha said “It aint over till the fat lady sings and I haven’t sung yet ……..”, A mind that sweet and fast is not going to perish just becoz the lights have been turned out for a while!

I don’t really know if there is a God in heaven above. I guess it’s times like these when we feel that he definitely isn’t there. I guess it’s times like these that we need to know that he is there! Sometimes I think God is there, but he is as helpless as you and me in certain situations, and if you could hear him, he’d say “I wish that din’t happen to her, she dint deserve it!” But again, maybe he can help in ways we can’t, so ………..

Well, I don’t know how she is right now in detail, I know that the doctors are extremely impressed with her progress, she has moved around in her sleep, and muttered some words too. I think all of us who know her, or just care should hope/pray that she wakes up, takes a couple of steps, and knows who she is. That would be something to put a smile on faces that have done nothing but channel tears since the event. If you would like to know how she is, or help in anyway please join a yahoogroup dedicated to her http://groups.yahoo.com/group/anubhafriends/

Anubha,

While you were sleeping, someone cried for you
While you were sleeping, someone waited for you
While you were sleeping, someone smiled for you
While you were sleeping, someone prayed for you
While you were sleeping someone spoke to you
While you were sleeping, someone couldn’t sleep because they love you!

Mothers's Day, Sunday, 2005, called up home at 11:00 at night to say hi to my mom (miku) and ask her if the flowers I sent her were the bestest gift ever or not? My dad (dada) picked up the phone.  A born surgeon whose hand never shakes, a confident voice that never fluctuates,  today, had his voice quivering and I could hear the phone ( a rather ancient chordless)  trembling in his hands. Chills shot down my back, as he said its Mother's Day and his mother (my grandmother) had just left forvever.  "Dont feel sad!" he sad as my head filled up with sadness, "Dont cry" he said, as my eyes welled up . "She was a great mother,  and she died and we cremated her the same place where we cremated your grandfather, and set her ashes afloat in the same river. Her last wish was to travel from Calcutta to Jamshedpur, and die holding her only son's hand as she bid her entire family and the world farewell.  she got it.
Last year I hurt my left hip.  Pained like crazy and I couldnt walk.  Dada told me that three months ago, thamma (grandmom in bengali) started getting a lot of pain in her body.  however, she refused to take painkillers coz she was praying to god that he gives her all my pain and every time it hurt she felt her prayers were answered. ironically a week before leaving us she fell down, broke her left hip, and passed away with insane amounts of pain in her left side. Her last words being " Is he(me) alright?"  and when dada answered yes, she closed her eyes, called it a day, a month, a year, a lifetime! more chills down spinal chord, goosebumps.  Today, I have no pain anywhere in my body, and my hip is like it used to be. I dont know what to think! Thamma was the most spiritual lady I ever knew. her whole life she just served people. Was one of the first lady doctors in nepal, ( a gynochologist), and after retiring devoted her life to her lord, took care of my grandfather who was paralyzed, and picked up poor  kids from the road to bring them home and feed them. just some among the many things she did for others.
didnt know what to say to my dad, my mom was crying like crazy too ..  just heard what they had to say and put the phone down as they asked me to pray for her soul.  So, sat at my computer numb,  and started to write a mail to my dad

Dada,
I dont know what to say. I know that it was time for her to leave us, and I know that it is great that she went without suffering. my eyes were filled with tears when i was talking to you. I know that though u are relieved that everything happened just the way she envisioned it , and she left without too much pain, u are deeply sad .... and thats the way it should be coz when someone you love dies , you should feel sad ... happy that she is in a better place ... sad that you will never see her again .. except maybe ur dreams ... the sweet thing is that our brains are the cutest things in the world. When things are in motion u remember both the hard times and the fun times , but when something goes away only the good moments remain in ur heart ...
I know that thamma loved me like crazy. One becoz she loved me , two coz she had insane amounts of love for you , and u had insane amounts of love for me ...and she always treated me like the heir to a throne. I remember once she told me that she wishes she could see the next heir to our "kingdom" before she died   so I should get married soon. Me and my stupid jokes, I told her I could give her heirs without getting married. My aunts (your sisses) screamed at me but thamma just kept giggling and called me paaaji (wicked but cute in bengali, at least the way she meant it).   I could tell by the way she used to smile and kiss me for the few times I have spent with her that she loved me like crazy... her house was lucky for me and she left taking away all my pain, and having pain of her own in the same side. Maybe coincidence or maybe the proof of the faith of a lady as spiritual as possible, and heart full of love. She was the one who got tumpa married off, rescued Runa pishi in her time of need, kept iman n hambir happy given their probs at home, she served everyone around her way past her prime .. or maybe her prime was her entire life ... i loved her a lot ... among all my grand parents I was closest to her .. I am glad I missed you guys a couple of sundays ago and got to talk to her and for the first time in years she actually heard everything i said ... and was very happy too ...
I am so happy that her voice was the first voice I heard on my birthday too .. .I called her up first thing when I wok e up coz she is the most spiritual person I know and i was in deep need of some sort of spiritual touch in my life .... I will definitely pray for her, though I've hardly ever prayed in my life. I hope god recognizes me hehe though I am sure he will be honored to have her in heaven ......  I guess what I am trying to say  is that I loved her, and I know she was too strong,  loving, and headstrong a person to just vanish into thin air.  She is hanging out with Dadu now, hopefully not makin him tea (coz her tea sucks hehe) but her love will pour on us every time it rains maybe .... I hope it rains right now! I need it to rain .........
Love  you
miss you
naby